Sometimes BPD is a Choice

Everything

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“People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation and perceived failure.”

“Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior.”

“They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely.”

“People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value and enjoy.”

“They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to experience feeling “empty” and “lost”.”

“When mistreated, the patient feels helpless, demoralized, and victimized. These feelings activates the patient’s generalized early experiences of mistreatment and how he or she learned to respond.”

Borderline Personality Disorder is an intriguing mental disorder for psychiatrists or psychologists. I have read that some psychiatrists refused to treat BPD patients because they have extreme moodswings and their self-centeredness is a big problem to everyone around them.
But the patients actually carry most of the burden of this disorder.

I discovered BPD two months ago and fervently studied about it. Why? Well, it’s because I knew someone who has every symptom of this disorder. She has the simplest signs when she was just 12 and now she is 18 and it has gotten really bad.

Everytime a person mistreats her, she just shuts out the whole world and contains herself in her own thoughts and emotions. Her relationships and ties are strained often because of her mood swings and self-indulgent behaviors. When she has a bad day or when she faces conflicts, she imagines about killing herself or planning to set up an accident to hurt herself. She inflict scars on her own arms and feet because she somehow wants to replace the emptiness or numbness with pain. She is very self-destructive and anxious all the time.

Her world is almost close and lifeless. I convinced her to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. She only brushed me off.
At first, I hated seeing her in that condition, however, I was instantly relieved two weeks later when she showed up beaming and full of life. Her thoughts were: “Ha! There was nothing to worry about, after all. I might be sick or whatever but I won’t succumb to it. I want to be confident with myself. Thinking about having BPD will only hold me back and ruin my life.”

It wasn’t like she recovered or her personality disorder just disappeared. She trained herself so that she would stop overthinking things and hiding from the harsh world. Every now and then she shuts out people who violates or mistreats her but she avoided the thoughts about hurting herself. Now, she is a communication (major in journalism) student and through her choice she studies how to be an effective communicator. She is actually in her second year now. I sometimes thought that maybe she already knew her weakness even before she knew about BPD and she chose to study communication just to learn how to connect to people and find her place in the world.

Something might be wrong on how her mind and feelings work but, in the end, it is still her choice.

I really respect her and I hope that she finds someone who will love her completely and help her become happy.

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